Jonny, I Am

Vacation

Sat, 22 Jul 2006 20:02:43 GMT

So as of tomorrow, I embark on an 11 day vacation, including a 4 day cruise and a nice Disney adventure. When I get back, I'm in my last two weeks of normalcy before college begins. This marks the beginning of my transition. As this summer starts it's decline, I find I'm only willing to continue on full steam ahead. It was shorter than even I anticipated, but sweet nonetheless. Farewell for the next week and a half; I hope I don't miss out on too much.

First Impressions

Fri, 21 Jul 2006 04:17:19 GMT

I learned yet again that first impressions can be deceiving. And yet, I wonder what second impressions tend to be. In either case, I'm happy that I don't dislike another person, because I would rather find out that I was wrong than to focus my energy so negatively.
And yet, this brings up an interesting point in my life. Sorry to be so vague, but I'm confusing myself right now.

Anyway, in the mail today came a letter from Cornell about AlcoholEdu, an online course for incoming freshman about alcohol. We had to take an online survey and pre-quiz, and then in september we have to take an online class that totals 3 hours in instruction on alcohol, the dangers of it, and what to do in tricky situations. I must say, I agree with what they're doing and all the other institutions involved with this AlcoholEdu. While a lot of people are saying nothing other than that it's an annoying way to spend 3 hours, I find it to be really important. A lot of people have misconceptions about a lot of alcohol-related myths that really have to be set straight. Plus, since drinking is such a huge part of the college life, there really should be some sort of formal instruction on it. I'm glad they're not just turning a blind-eye to it all. They know people will be drinking and rather than pretend it's not going to happen, they're only trying to keep people from getting hurt. In my opinion, all entering college students should be required to take this course.

On another side note, I'm finally reading a lot of the classic pieces of literature that I never had a chance to get to. I've noticed that during the summers I usually take a reading binge, running through as many novels as I can, and this summer is no exception. As of now I'm in the midst of The Picture of Dorian Gray, Oscar Wilde's novel masterpiece. It's nothing short of pure genius. In the end, it's only making me sad that there aren't more novels by him to read. After this book, on the list is Beloved, Sula, Song of Solomon, and The Bluest Eye by Toni Morrison (A cornell alumna, fyi, hahaha), I Know Why The Caged Bird Sings by Maya Angelou, The Chronicles of Narnia by C.S. Lewis, and some novels by Edith Wharton and Virginia Woolf and the likes. I won't make it through them all, but if I can manage to continue my reading into the school year, I will. Usually once classes start though, I never find the time, or the energy, to stay up all night with the book in my hand (which I find to usually be the most exhausting part.)

18!

Thu, 13 Jul 2006 05:12:31 GMT

I can't believe I'm eighteen years old as of the last hour. All I have to say is that even though only two people could make it tonight to celebrate with me, I really had a lot of fun. It was truly a birthday bash. :) I have enough leftover cake and brownies for 20, but I'm pretty sure it won't last 'till the weekend. On most of my birthdays, I noted how, despite the higher number, I really didn't feel any different. I think this is the first birthday that, once I realized I was eighteen, I felt much, much different. A lot just changed - what a ride.

Sat, 08 Jul 2006 15:34:17 GMT

Your side was drunk with overwhelming passion. And I use that word loosely. I did know you, and you knew me, but unfortunately, that me you knew apparently was too much of a chain - and now you're set free of me. You're liberated of my stifling, suffocating, tortorous, not good enough grasp. Now, everyone is free to love you.

I say this slowly and I mean every word of it: I will miss you terribly, and I sincerely hope that you find happiness. I hope you realize that some people who are now in your life will never be there for you like I was, and if you look close enough, you might already be able to see this. I hope though, that you don't come to this realization too late. I hope you don't hurt yourself. These events that took place in the recent path can't change the sincerity of what used to exist.

I think it's important that you know that I never judged you, I just lost faith in you - and I think you know that I have had reason to. You find me slanted and traitorous, but really I was true - just not true to what you wanted me to so mindlessly follow. I have my own footsteps, and sometimes, they don't fit so perfectly into the tracks you leave for me. I'm not so ready to free myself from my non-burning, imaginary fetters. There is a difference between annoyance and hatred, the former of which is petty and forgivable; it is human. I suppose, though, that human is fake, and that by not being fake, you can somehow reach a level higher than me.

I'm sorry I wasn't good enough for you - but now, by all means, be free of me if you so wish. I won't again try to so foolishly stop you.

Fourth of July

Wed, 05 Jul 2006 03:54:22 GMT

To one of my friend's dissapointment, I was perfectly content to spend my Fourth of July entirely alone. I don't know why, but every so often I get the overwhelming desire to be utterly alone and left to my own devices. I doubt that I'm anti-social; I just sometimes feel the need to go out, while at other times feel the need to stay in. As I see it, I should allow myself to do what I feel. I only hope that I don't end up insulting anyone in the process. When asked if I would like to go out, is it wrong to simply say that I do not want to, rather than to lie and say that I cannot for some fabricated reason? I enjoy the closesness I have with my friends, and I would very much like to turn down and invitation for the simple fact that I am not up to going. It's odd, I know - but I suppose that I cannot help it.

Denying denial.

Mon, 03 Jul 2006 16:30:28 GMT

That killed me.
Trash it-- compress
My voice, but
Still hear me
Screaming.

In your cara.

I wonder if people who are blind (literally...as in, their eyes physically do not work) ever have dreams that they can see. It must be so sad to wake up from that dream and realize that you cannot.

Sat, 01 Jul 2006 04:15:10 GMT

Just nine minutes ago, it was the end of June, and I was saying goodbye to past school friends. Now, it's July, and the summer has become, and college is a month and two weeks away.

Nine minutes ago, I would have written about the wonderful time I had at Mr. Kane's house today. The barbeque he threw for us was amazing. Sitting with Judy, playing muddy beach volleyball, and screaming answers for Taboo were amazing memories. I'm not sure that I'll ever see Kane again, or some of the people that were there today, but I'm okay. I don't know what it is that makes saying farewell okay sometimes and heat-breaking the other, but I suppose if there is no pain, then everything's, conveniently, okay.

Thu, 29 Jun 2006 16:00:42 GMT

It's the oddest feeling, now being an alumnus of Susan Wagner High School, only able to look back on my experiences with the knowledge that I'll never again make new ones. Having been confusingly sad and happy for the past few weeks, I am glad that since yesterday, our absolute final day at Wagner, I have only felt joy. I won't again write about saying goodbye to friends, teachers, and memories. Instead, all I will say is that I am very much looking forward to the next semester. High school may be over, but school certainly isn't. Some memories are behind us, some memories are ahead of us. I only hope that I've learned from high school what I need to know to make the best of college. Finalizing my goodbye by registering for the Wagner Alum website, I can only look forward. I suppose, like a bird, you can only fly in one direction at a time, and perhaps I've chosen the right way.

Goodbye, Myspace

Fri, 23 Jun 2006 03:59:50 GMT

I just scheduled my Myspace account for deletion. According to my confirmation notice, it will be obliterated from existence within the next 48 hours. I feel one account closer to happiness. Goodbye Myspace, I will not miss you.

So tomorrow I leave for Dana's house. Will be back Saturday in time for work. Speaking of which, I went to work for the second time today. The first day was rather disenchanting, but today was a lot more encouraging. I was able to do my job a little better and not run into as many problems. I might not hate it as much as I had thought I would.

A Darwinist's Life

Thu, 22 Jun 2006 01:07:37 GMT

While going to Carvel to get ice cream with my parents and brother today, we were looking outside the window and saw two birds fighting atop a store sign. After much struggling, one of the birds was pushed onto the spikes that are on the top of the sign to prevent the birds from nesting. Pierced in the wing, the bird began to scream and struggle hysterically. Too grounded to be of any use, I sat there, watching. I felt so entirely intune with its pain, and so utterly useless to help it. It was hard to watch, but I learned so much from the experience.
Sometimes, you just have to watch someone else go through pain. Sometimes, you just can't reach high enough to help them, and all you can do is sympathize with their torture from afar. I'm not sure if that bird survived, or if it can. I don't know what the purpose of it all was, but I guess sometimes there may simply be no purpose. But, us human beings just have to accept the fact that all things may not be fair, and that all things may not be within our power to fix.

Goodbye to you.

Thu, 15 Jun 2006 18:37:13 GMT

When it comes to saying goodbye, there is nothing that I can say that will leave me feeling satisfied, like I have expressed everything that needs to be said. Many times yesterday I cried because I would soon have to leave so many people, and many times yesterday I cried for other things, all the wrong reasons. I wonder sometimes how the world really is. What would I see if I could rid myself of my own perception. I feel, looking through these eyes, as if the world is all one-sided, leaning towards my personal biases and anticipations. I think, if I could understand exactly what were happening right now, I'd be mourning my loss a whole lot more.

Yesterday. A sad day, but a good day. I needed to go to Perkins, I needed to rescue Andrea from the bus stop, I needed to walk around and play paper-message games, I needed to drive everyone in the parking lot, I needed to buy that plant. Thank you. I guess from here, we just keep going.

Fri, 09 Jun 2006 03:02:48 GMT

Today, a particularly inspiring day for me, has helped me to see yet again that in me there must be so much more. It is the days like this that I know somewhere inside of me lurks a true writer, and yet, I can't seem to bring him about long enough to produce more than a few scraps of paragraphs or insignificant lines of poetry. Some day, and hopefully, at that, some day soon, I will be able to produce a real work -- something into which I can truly pour my heart for more than a moment's passion.

Ballad For Theda

Mon, 30 Jan 2006 03:53:56 GMT

You shiver in the cold,
They sit down on the frost,
Biting so as not to scold
Her for being so very lost.

Gone from you and out of sight,
Don't you wish you would have went
To see her again; one final delight
Before death demon for her was sent.

Sit and shiver, shiver,
Sit shiva; She's dead.
O! Dead and gone, Giver,
Deliver no more to tread.

But what they don't know
Is that happiness they must choose.
From inside it cannot cease to grow.
We must not bruise. No, no noose.

For Theda, R.I.P.

The Itsy Bitsy Spider

Thu, 29 Dec 2005 20:04:49 GMT

All falling down, all falling down.
That spider, once so tall and strong,
Is now falling down, with no saviour.

So save him, he's falling down.
He'll die and whither at the rain.
Save him, please?-- He'll fall away.

Someone I Am

Sat, 24 Dec 2005 20:03:01 GMT

Someone I am is waiting
For my courage to catch me
And let me dance so freely
Without you to hold my hand.

To call your name and hear
No answer shouting back, I,
Waiting for the day to come
That I can let go

Of these useless fears that
Stop the bleating of my heart,
Hear your name call back to me
With emptiness, and walk away.

*Inspired by Josh Groban

I'm Somebody. Who Are You?

Sat, 24 Dec 2005 03:47:18 GMT

I'm somebody. Who are you?
Are you somebody too?
Then there's a pair of us.
Do tell -- they'd notice us, you know.

How dreary, to be nobody,
How pointless-- like a mite--
To live all life tucked inside
Away from all sight.

*Inspired by Emily Dickinson

To Love, To Dream

Fri, 23 Dec 2005 19:16:57 GMT

To love is but to briefy dream
Of something still but never seen.
And yet the quandry lies, that
In a dream so brief a love can be,
We're loved and gone the same sad night.

Awoken from my sweet, sweet dream,
I wonder what it was I've seen.
Forgotten, my brief love sits astray
A wondrous many loves long gone away.

I Hurt Myself - for Neha

Sat, 17 Dec 2005 03:37:22 GMT

First Snow

Sat, 17 Dec 2005 03:36:20 GMT

You Are What You See

Sun, 27 Nov 2005 20:45:13 GMT

But that you are what you see,
And you see what you are,
Says less for you,
Than it does for me.

For indeed,
Blesséd be--
I see;
And, so does he.

I just like to write.

Thu, 24 Nov 2005 02:43:38 GMT

I've created this weblog to post random pieces I write. I believe self expression is a very powerful tool. You're welcome to leave me comments if you so feel the desire. I read them.

Memory

Thu, 24 Nov 2005 02:37:59 GMT

Eternal memory is the truest gift.
That old age the world to fade can cause,
And in my mind I to forever sift
Only to find my inner heart withdraws.

A shame to lose myself,
Gone from a small world so grand.
But that time is but within itself,
Away from my outstretched hand.

I can only reach so far,
Time fades without a trace.
I focus on your star,
As to never put out your face.

Through and Through

Thu, 24 Nov 2005 02:37:28 GMT

Return to me one more night,
Give me one last chance—
One final delight.

Come to me that way you did
That time I saw you –
O, How you hid.

Let me feel you soft
And gentle anew,
Up again – on that loft –
Where together we flew.

Your breath I remember,
My warmth in the cold
Glittering, bitter November.

I know you through and through,
Although, I won’t admit,
That true you I never knew.

How strange to be familiar,
Even adopting your devillier,
Although, it wasn’t you I kissed,
Because, in truth, you don’t exist.